


Okaeri

by OliverIvanov



Category: Banana Fish (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Death, Gen, Gun Violence, M/M, Suicide, ghost - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-22
Updated: 2020-11-22
Packaged: 2021-03-09 22:55:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,999
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27673663
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OliverIvanov/pseuds/OliverIvanov
Summary: Takes place after the anime ends, spoilers abound.Eiji goes back to Japan. He's drinking too much, eating too little, and keeps seeing Ash in places he shouldn't be. It's symmetry, he decides.
Relationships: Ash Lynx & Okumura Eiji, Ash Lynx/Okumura Eiji
Comments: 3
Kudos: 46





	Okaeri

**Author's Note:**

> I haven't written a fic in many years, please feel free to comment on anything I can fix. I will more than likely edit this when I have the will power. 
> 
> See end notes for a glossary/general info.

Eiji smuggles a gun back into Japan after the funeral. He holds it to his chest when he's alone. He drinks so much that he’s ok with holding it to his head, “talking” to Ash while he does. He builds a shrine in a corner of his room. It’s small, private, away from the center of his family's home where his grandparents’ portraits are. The temples are sprawling in Izumo and he prays there every day up to the first meinichi. He wants to visit Ash’s grave but there’s no money and no actual grave- Ash Lynx was declared dead months before he did, his last months purgatory. 

Eiji does not go to college, he doesn't hold on to any jobs for long. His family eventually content themselves with their son living as a broken shell in their house. His mom starts working again and he becomes the main housekeeper; cooking, cleaning, keeping an eye on his sister. (“I told you, you’d make a great wife.”) They think the responsibility is good for him, that he'll mend in time. 

He keeps getting drunk, keeps teetering between almost dying but he'd always been too hesitant to pull the trigger. That’s what got them in this mess to begin with. Sometimes Ash tells Eiji he’s glad pulling the trigger never became easy for him. Sometimes he’ll take the gun and demonstrate like he did in the fields at Cape Cod. ‘Just point an’  _ click’ _ , except this time the barrel is digging into Ash’s temple. There’s no blood; he’s already dead. 

His sister is the only one that seems to mention the smell of cheap alcohol constantly on his breath. She’s old enough now to realize something is wrong but not why her parents refuse to acknowledge it. He is, as much as he can be, a functioning alcoholic. He wakes up and drinks disgusting black coffee to take the edge off his hangover. He takes his sister to school. He cleans the house. He does all the errands. He keeps on praying. 

When family comes to visit - aunts, uncles, cousins - is the only time his parents ever seem to remember to show their embarrassment. Their star athlete is gone- he’s  _ broken _ . He wakes up earlier, prays longer, and doesn’t come home until he must prepare dinner. Everyone does their best to ignore that he’s even there. He busies himself with mostly one-sided conversations late at night with Max, and Sing, and the other guys. They all sound so stilted, unwarrantedly optimistic as Americans tended to be, convincing themselves Eiji was doing better than he really was. That he’d be able to come visit soon, catch up. In their minds, there were excuses for his slurred speech and delayed responses - the late hour, bad connection, his accent growing stronger with disuse. Tears soundlessly rolling down his eyes as he grips the pistol. Ash is leaning against him, saying they need to get up early tomorrow. Eiji tells his companions goodnight. 

He often sees Ash when walking up the temple steps. He only reveals himself in limital places like this; between the mundane and spiritual, life and death. Sometimes he is glued to Eiji’s side, other times leading the way, taking two steps at a time. He always looks so tired; Eiji prays for his rest, insincere as it may be. The priests all know him now. They are the only people he speaks to besides his parents. His “piety” seems to worry them. He can’t blame them when he is drunk and bent  _ dogeza  _ for an hour at a time. They offer gentle words of guidance he would find patronizing if he were sober. 

Eiji offers his help to the shrine for Obon that year. His parents are surprised, but glad he’s willing to do something more social than a nod to the cashier when he goes grocery shopping. They wonder if he will become a monk, but there is nothing divine about Eiji. He helps organize the Bon Odori, even manages to stay sober till he’s finished. He can see Ash among the dancers, wearing a funeral kimono. He’s smashed, sobbing, and he distantly registers that his sister sees him and then turns away to ignore him. She’s with her friends and she doesn’t want them to recognize him. He does not remember getting home but he can distinctly feel Ash’s hands carding through his shaggy hair as he releases the contents of his stomach. 

He’s so tired of  _ everything _ . He doesn’t leave his room for three days. His parents don’t mention it but he hears his sister yelling behind his door that she was going to have to the train to school now. Eiji’s breath catches in his throat, he’s clutching the gun to his chest. Ash is hushing him, pressing soft circles into his shoulders. His sister stomps off and he falls back to sleep. When he finally comes out, sore, dehydrated, and smelly, his mother gives him an exasperated look and nods. He slinks into the bathroom and wonders if there is an easier way. He wishes he could just fall asleep and never wake up, but it’s not as simple to overdose in Japan. ‘But it can still be simple,’ he reminds himself, placing his index finger to his head, ‘just point an’ click.’

His birthday is coming up and he asks for a full tank of gas and a few days away from the house to meet a high school friend at Sentsū-zan. His parents seem skeptical about this ‘friend’ but they agree to give him the car. He’s barely spoken to his parents since Obon, and Eiji is never the one to initiate. They’re giving up on him, finally. He hasn’t talked to anyone from high school since his leg injury, and they all know it. 

That morning he gets up early, before the sun. Ash sits with him through the hour and a half drive, complains he doesn’t know any of the songs on the radio. Eiji points out that it was the same for him in America. The blond goes quiet, wistful, like he’s thinking about their adventures. Eiji tells him about Yamata no Orochi, the eight tailed dragon that became the river now at the base of the mountain. He feels calm for the first time in ages. 

Eiji carries only a small backpack with him as they ascend the mountain. It’s peaceful, just the two of them. Ash feels more tangible the farther up they go. He imagines him and Ash wandering through Japan. He’d show Ash all his favorite places, they’d go places he’s never been. They’d never be alone. They’re not even a quarter up the mountain before he starts crying. 

“What’s wrong?”

“I’m just  _ so mad _ . I’m mad at how stubborn you are, how weak I am, how the world has taken you from me.”

“I just want you to be safe,” Ash says defensively. 

“We’d both be safer if you’d taught me more. How to protect us. You always act like you know what’s best. You’re so arrogant.” 

Ash nods. “I don’t regret it.”

“Fuck you.”

His stomach churns, empty and acidic. He hadn’t brought anything to eat with him. He doesn’t remember when he ate anything more than rice. Eiji is out of shape - too little food, too much alcohol - it makes going up the mountain that much harder. Ash darts between the path and the trees. Sometimes beside him, sometimes lounging on a rock, waiting for Eiji to catch up. _ I’m working on it, _ he thinks. 

When they get to the top they sit down, sides touching. Despite how early they had started, they had missed the sunrise. He takes a deep breath and pulls out the contents of his satchel. Two bottles of Shōchū, the Omamori his sister gave him, and the pistol. He opens both the bottles, leaving one in front of Ash. 

“This is stupid.” the blond says, not touching the bottle. 

“I’ve already told you, my soul is bound to you. There is no other way I can follow you.”

“I don’t need you to follow me, Eiji. I enjoy thinking of what you’d become without me holding you back.”

He scoffs, “I’m even more useless than before we met. You were wrong.” 

”Usually am.”

Eiji grabs his arm in frustration, and Ash stills. It’s the first time Eiji is the one to touch the spirit and not the other way around. He feels solid, real. Projection or ghost, Ash still makes him hope for things. Things he wasn’t sure if he would have gotten even if Ash still was alive. They’d skirted around labels. “Friends” was, well, a bit reductive. They weren’t lovers - they’d never kissed besides the prison incident. But Ash hadn’t let anyone else touch him. Wouldn’t curl up together when they slept but always close by. Maybe with enough time and distance from his woes, Ash could have wanted more. Or not. There was no way to know- Eiji didn’t trust the Ash in front of him to not simply tell him what he wanted. 

He didn’t want to hear what he wanted, he wanted Ash, as he lived. Too brilliant for his own good. Full of pain, anger, beauty. Love? 

He downs the last third of his Shōchū in one go before picking up the pistol. There’s no magazine, just a single bullet in the chamber. He pulls back the slide to check if it’s still there and is relieved when it pops out onto the ground. He picks it up, rolling it between his fingers. The pistol doesn’t feel as elegant as Ash’s revolver - it also means he only has one chance to use it. He can’t make a game of it, the ending is binary. Eiji shoots, or he doesn’t; there’s a bullet or there isn’t. Either way, he could get arrested just for having the gun here in Japan. He thinks about rotting in a cell for the rest of his life and if it is any different.

He thinks of Ash like a rōnin, a cowboy; wild and masterless. He’d trail behind like he always has. He puts the bullet back in, pulls back the slide, and releases it back into the chamber. He keeps it gripped tightly in his dominant hand, the other grasps the charm, He kisses it, looking right at Ash when he does it. 

“There could be others. You could have anything, go anywhere, meet anyone.” 

“That’s what you wanted, didn’t you? But none of them would be you. I’d always be trying to find someone that fits that hole and only become more and more disappointed when nobody meets those expectations. It’s unrealistic.”

He imagines moving to Tokyo, finding another beautiful, dangerous boy to lose himself in. It makes him feel sick. 

_ No one will love me like you do. No one else would risk their life for me. No one else would I give mine.  _

They’re both crying. If this was the real Ash, Eiji expects he’d be screaming at him. Instead, he is quiet, resolute. Maybe the afterlife has taken away his bite, maybe Eiji just doesn’t want to fight anymore.

“We should go soon,” Eiji says, snot starting to drip from his nose, “Someone might find us.”

“We can stay longer.”

“I don’t want to… I just want this to be over. Please, Ashu.”

“Let’s go home, then.” 

Eiji brings the gun to his head, hands shaking like they never have before. Ash leans against him, one arm snaking around his waist, his other steadies Eiji’s. 

“Tadaima,” he whispers. _ It’s simple. Point an' click. _

Before his body crumples to the ground, memories of what was real and what was maybe never possible blur together. There’s more pain than he has the capacity to feel, so he ignores it. Lights flicker behind his eyes as everything goes dark. Despite this, he swears he sees Ash give him a pained smile, hears a heavily accented, “Okaeri.” 

**Author's Note:**

> meinichi - death anniversary
> 
> Izumo - City on the coast of Japan's western side. It's got one of Japan's oldest Shinto shrines. 
> 
> dogeza - Bowing as low as you can go, kneeling on while your head is on the ground. It's usually shown as an apology but sometimes as a thank you. You are quite literally lowing yourself to someone, usually of a higher rank to show deference. Sometimes praying. This is almost unheard of in modern Japan, which is why the priests are so concerned. 
> 
> Obon - a festival to celebrate one's ancestors (and other loved ones?). Graves are cleaned and the dead are said to visit the family's altar.
> 
> Bon Odori - a dance that takes place on Obon to welcome the spirits. Each region has its own. 
> 
> funeral kimono - usually kimonos are wrapped left over right, but it's the opposite for when burying the dead. Everyone pretty much wears black, maybe some white. 
> 
> Sentsū-zan - One of the larger mountains in Chūgoku range. It use to be the border of the Izumo providence. It's known for its granite and iron deposits. 
> 
> Yamata no Orochi - dragon that use to terrorize the Izumo region. Susanoo, one of the Shinto gods of the sea, killed the dragon at the base of the Sentsū-zan and his blood became the Hii river. His body became a sword pasted down to the emporers of Japan.
> 
> Shōchū - Kind of distilled drink, usually about 25% alcohol but can be up to 45%. Can be made out of a variety of things. Often used for mixed drinks. Tends not be as "fruity" tasting as sake, more earthy. 
> 
> Omamori - A kind of paper amulet you can buy at a shrine for good luck. Usually, they're given back to the shrine/burned after a year to avoid bad luck from the last but!! Things are already pretty bad! They're usually held onto or tied to your bag or something you usually have with you. It is also not recommended you open them because it'll tear away all the good luck you had. The one his sister gave him was specifically for love.
> 
> Revolvers - the gun Ash used most commonly is a 6 shooter like he's in some kinda western. You have to pull back the hammer to rotate the cylinder to shoot. 
> 
> Pistol - To load these you usually feed the magazine into it and then engage the slide. If you take the magazine out, there's still a bullet in the chamber, which can be dangerous or convenient depending on the situation. Most pistols you can also manually reload one at a time if you don't have a magazine. I won't pretend I'm great at understanding the finer details of weaponry. 
> 
> rōnin - means drifter or wanderer; a masterless samurai. Not a great status to be historically, as samurai were supposed to kill themselves after their masters died. Or alternatively, he did such a bad job that his master dismissed him; also bad. During the Edo period, there was a great increase in rōnin because of rigid class structures. A lot of the previous samurai became mercenaries or criminals. 
> 
> Tadaima - Literally means, "right now", but is often meant as "I'm home" or "I just got home". More casual form of tadaima kaeri mashi ta 
> 
> Okaeri - Return. "Welcome back" or "welcome home". More casual way of saying okaerinasai. Considering Ash's last words to Eiji are sayonara, it feels right. Sayonara is goodbye, but isn't commonly said as it can mean something closer to "I don't know when I'll see you again" or "Bye, forever".


End file.
